Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
