How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
