Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
