she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He shit in the fireplace
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
