They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
