it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
