you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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