bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
