You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have aggressive nipples.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
