The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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