You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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