i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
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