i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
