Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
