If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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