It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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