I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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