I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I FOUND THE LEGS
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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