Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
