I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
