Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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