i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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