shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
