youre lurking in front of me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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