I wish I could teleport
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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