Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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