He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
