Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
