Someone shit on the floor
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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