I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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