6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
