dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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