Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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