My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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