things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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