I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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