he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
