I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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