Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
