i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
