Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You're my little dorito
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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