the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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