I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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