My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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