i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
