weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
