It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
