I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
