I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
