No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
