Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i now understand why vodka
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
