i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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