conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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