if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I did not marry a roomba.
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