Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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