I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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