apparently the secret to your success is patron
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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